Gratitude….

There is something so amazing about feeling gratitude. It can be just another day, and something hits you, and suddenly you feel this enormous swell in your heart. This thankfulness you cant explain. Pain & stress & worry & anxiety all goes out the window & then it’s filled & replaced with gratitude.

It can be very emotional depending on the amount you feel, but every ounce of it is beautiful.

I lye here, listening to my son & husband in the next room. Laughing & playing. It’s late. 11:36pm. They both should be sleeping. But we tend to love odd hours in our home. I turn & adjust myself in bed, currently in pain due to more kidney issues, I txt my husband that I love him. He ask’s how I feel..I txt that I’m still here hurting, but I’ll make a doctors appt tomorrow. He txts Good! Finally.

He understands how stubborn I can be when it comes to my health. My kidneys have been an issue for many years, & just recently have gotten worse. As a child, I had a great many UTI’s. Not enough water & too many baths. Older me realizes how serious this is & is very annoyed that younger me wasn’t cared for properly. Like so many of my childhood stories, resulting in emotional abuse with a little side of abandonment. This growing issue with my health stems from years of neglect with my overall wellbeing & health. Bouncing around from home to home, I’m not even sure if I ever had health insurance for more than a few years at a time. When I was pregnant with my first son at 17, I actually enrolled to get aid & put myself & him on medical. Government aid. The further back I go & follow my health timeline…the more confused & angry I become. I can’t ever imagine my children, both boys, being in pain & not getting the proper help & aid they need. I couldn’t even fathom the thought. Yet here I am, in pain, being stubborn & wishing I had made an appt sooner.

The part where I’m grateful…oh yea…

Now, all of the things that robbed my childhood, every step I took down this road, all of the pain & emotional trauma bestowed upon me as a growing young lady..has led me to this point. I’m here, I’m alive & I have my sanity. So many things popped in my head while I turned in pain & irritation…& then god spoke to me. I can say I just “realized”, but I’d rather say it was him, the big guy above. He relaxed my tense muscles & nagging pain, he softened my throbbing headache & reminded me of all I have.

“You are feeling this pain sarah yes, but you are feeling”

“ you are alive”

“Be thankful you have breath in you still”

“Be grateful” “make your doctors appt tomorrow & take your medicine”

My gratitude spreads far beyond just a healthy body..my heart & mind feel so much peace & happiness these days..& at this moment I felt it. I still get those little anxious moments of worry, but they never last longer than I allow. My main goal is to be as present as possible and always acknowledge my gratitude. I’m alive, i am living. “Life is good”-as my husband always txts me💖

Xo, Sary

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Balance-

The older I get the more I realize how hard & even sometimes how irritating it is to not have balance.

In life all things require balance, timing is everything & awareness can be a cure or a disease.

The moments we choose as important lead us down the road to new or old destinations. We can choose to have awareness or not..we can choose to ignore our deeper selves & feelings…or not. The sum of humans that are able minded have a mass amount of choices…do we really consider to acknowledge what it is we want?

I personally try to be practical ..but I’m a dreamer. Trying to balance these two are very difficult & have been. For me..being a dreamer has its good & bad attributes ..just like with anything else in life. I’m still trying to understand “how”…when maybe I should consider the “why”.

I want a life of love & honesty. An exciting life full of beauty & peace. A life that is rich with positivity & deep meaning. The older I get..the more I crave it. How to gain the tools & habits to acquire my needs & wants & wishes & prayers…isn’t easy. Reading “how too’s” & watching DIY’s & prayer & Using critical thinking & giving hugs & kisses & giving compliments & showing concern & being helpful & choosing to be the bigger person & reminding those in need that they matter…being selfless is so much more than I ever thought it to be.

When you give & give..only to receive..are you really happy? Inside..are you whole? Maybe not, because you spend so much energy being everything for everyone else.

Maybe I’m resentful that I gave what I thought was meaningful & worth giving. Maybe my love …to me..was worth so much, & the people I chose to give it to didn’t. Maybe my perception of myself isn’t what it actually is. Maybe.

But also, maybe it is. Maybe it’s greater & I’m greater than I’ve allowed myself to be. My thoughts, my feelings, my talents, my soul, my heart, my kindness, my concern, my good intention, my love.

Balance. Can I be all that anyone asks and still love myself? Can anyone really love me if I am all that I want to be?

Finding that middle is the journey, is it not?

I need and want purpose & I need and want to love & be loved while I serve my purpose.

Balance..

Xo Sary

Casual Sexy•

My goal is always to inspire! 💋

Any kind of outfit I choose to wear on casual days had better be comfortable! I love contrast colors, and matching colors..but when it comes to material, I’m all over the place. Spandex & cotton was the feel today. A black legging literally is my savior! I personally love the look, and the fact that it pairs well with pretty much Everything casual is a plus too! A look that has always inspired me as a young girl was the sleek very sexy Audrey Hepburn in all skin tight material. She did a photo shoot in a black, what seems to be leotard with black leggings. This look was etched in my mind & a lot of old Hollywood actresses/models have reused this same look over the years. It’s casual, yet sexy. She’s approachable, yet looks a bit feisty. I love it! Recreation is the game & it is my duty as an artist to always respect & acknowledge where my ideas stem from. I take old looks, new trends, a mix of my own style & pair them together. My comfort level is usually the last on my list, but with “Casual sexy” outfits, I tend to have the most fun & use out of my clothes. I’m constantly altering my clothing for my own individual comfort & style. You’ll catch me sewing & cutting a lot of my garments. I know it seems like just “stuff”, but you live your life in it..it reflects who you are as an individual…even when you aren’t trying to make a statement. You can create or recreate yourself everyday. Go in your closet, look through your wardrobe,…what do you feel most of your clothes say about you? What statements do you make? What is your purpose in the choices you make with everyday selection? Are you happy with your style? If not, are you ready to make a change in your look? Be fierce today! Take chances! 💛

Xo, Sary💋✨

Sugar glass Art

Glass blowing has always been an interesting art to me, so the molding & melting of sugar almost acts as that replacement. Sugar molds & cools rather quick so melting pieces together requires patience. The end result is so worth it. I tried the solubility technique instead of the dry caramel melting. That’s just a scientific way to say simple syrup or water mixed with sugar. About 15 min later with a cup & a half of sugar mixed with about 3/4s cup of water the sugar solution on med’high heat shows signs of transformation. Displaying a pale yellow gold color. Bringing to a boil and every now & then stirring with a fork. After about 20 min the sugar takes color of a brown syrupy soup. Once this happens we removed it from the heat all together & begain adding air by way of scooping the sugar syrup with a spoon, lifting and letting the syrup drizzle down back into the pot in a water fall trickle motion. 

I watched a few versions of this process on YouTube & after feeling confidently enough to move forward I felt like a pro! This was such a cool project! 

I didn’t have much to work with as far as a non stick surface so I set aside two pieces of parchment paper for my husband & I. Our first try was a complete fail. More like a fun experiment ..testing the waters to see how the end results would be. After realizing the sugar was not breaking away from the paper & more like melting to it, we decided to ditch the paper & work on molding. I wiped the bottom of a bowl & a small measuring cup with vegetable oil. We begin covering both with the sugar. As it cooled we noticed how crystal & glass like it resembled. So beautiful. We didn’t have food coloring or food flavoring but we enjoyed the process just the same. After the sugar cooled we peeled it off of our bases. As expected my sugar molding cracked in different areas..I realized then how delicate yet strong sugar can be. What an amazing oxymoron! My husbands mold was in perfect shape! We decided after examining each of our sugar creations to join them together. My husband brought out his lighter & begin melting my broken sugar shards to his. This was the end result 

 I will definitely try this again & have even researched more on this topic. I’d love to experiment with colors & possibly silicone moldings next.   

Turning 29♊️💦🐠💖

Let me start out by saying I had such an awful year in 2016. It was by far the hardest year I’ve ever been through. I’ve had tough years before but last year was exceptionally horrid. I’m going to be honest and say I even for a few months went through a small depression. Being the optimist that I truly am I tried very hard to cope & luckily with prayer & patience I was able to pull myself out of that dark place. Thank you lord. This year started & I was especially looking forward to my birthday ..March 6th! Pisces ! I was born in 88 & I love this time of year! Just a bit before spring showers but just leaving winter…the air is fresh & cool. The smell of rain is everywhere & flowers are starting to bloom just in time for Easter. My husband has been this encouraging birthday planner the past few years. Mine in particular. He’s been doing such a great job at surprising me every year! This year with a trip to Napa Ca.  We stopped at a little town 20 miles away from Down town napa. Yountville ca. Yountville is an incorporated town in Napa County, California, United States. It is in the North Bay portion of the San Francisco Bay Area. The town’s name is derived from the name of early pioneer George Calvert Yount. Yount was considered responsible for establishing the first vineyard in the Napa Valley. Every little shop & restaurant was so perfectly maintained & the architecture is eye catching. I loved it! Our first stop was at Kollar Chocolates. http://www.kollarchocolates.com

This was actually my first time at a chocolatier shop. I’m a huge fan of chocolate & I was pleased my husband took a special interest in planning a dessert party later that evening.   For 32.50 I selected my own assortment of these beautifully crafted chocolates that look like little pieces of fine crafted art! Across the strip was another favorite of mine Bouchon Bakery😍 just down the street from The French Laundry restraunt…this adorable little slice of heaven was exactly that! Offering the most delightful tasting pasteries & baked goods. I ordered the macaroons; salted caramel, raspberry & pistachio. My mouth waters thinking about how great they were😩🙌🏼 both dessert shop & bakery selections kept me grinning ear to ear. We took in the air and enjoyed other shops on the strip. The feel & vibe was so peaceful. The art galleries made me feel right at home & the boutique shops were pricey but extreamly adorable as well. This little town was beautiful. The weather was perfect for our visit. I will defiantly visit again. After that we were off to check into our room. Hawthorne Suites in down town Napa ca was comfortable & the cleanliness was a 10/10. To my surprise our king bed was exactly what my body needed & the showcase of our room went to the jacuzzi next to our bed. I couldn’t ask for more! So much fun.For my birthday dinner my husband surprised me with reservations at Celadon napa. https://www.celadonnapa.com/

This amazing restaurant was tucked away off of one of the main streets in down town napa almost hidden. It truly is a gem. Let me just compliment how amazing this place was…from food to service to the entire layout & feel..10/10! My husband & I are undercover foodies & this spot is now on our favorites list! Our three course meal was smart & sexy. It was classy & priced accurately. I give two thumbs up to the chef & owner. They know exactly what they are doing! Leaving we walked along downtown napas streets wet from the days earlier  rain. I couldn’t have had a better birthday. It was in fact everything I have been needing. I realized that My husband knows me very well. From my tastes, to my love of scenery. From where my heart is with art & architecture to my love for amazing foods & desserts. He knows me. With all the confusion in a persons life it feels incredible to have a soul next to you who understands you completely. I was so thankful. My heart was filled with complete bliss & gratitude.

The night before our trip I had a sudden rush of fear & anxiety. Lying there..next to my love…my heart grew heavy..a sudden realization that I was in fact aging. The thought of me getting older for the first time scared me. How could I be this age & still not have accomplished all the things I’ve wanted for myself for years? …there were so many emotions building in me at one time that all I could do was tense up & squeez the blanket tighter & ask god to ease my emerging pain. Then all at once my anxiety subsided & I was filled with a warm soothing feeling. This acknowledgment that I actually have so much to be thankful for. My list went like this in my head;

My childeren

My husband

My sobriety

My Sanity

My health.

I shed a tear & thanked god for reminding me that I indeed have more than most & I should be focusing on my “haves” & not my “have nots”.

My two beautiful boys. Life without them would be meaningless. My entire being would not exist if I had chose to be motherless. These boys made me the woman I am today. My humbleness & humility comes entirely from them. 

My husband; with every ounce of love & compassion left to give & share with another soul I reach to him. My partner, my best friend. This man & I have fought for one year against our love out of immaturity & pride..& yet every time we come close to the end, we are always reminded that our unity is beautiful & much needed. Going to war together & not against each other we have grown & continue to learn & build our love. 

My sobriety; my young adult life was spent being a teen mother. For most of my teenage years I was sheltered away from drugs & addiction taking care of my first child. Although my biological father is in fact an addict. I experimented with things I’m not proud of but luckily nothing was able to take over my heart & soul. I knew early on that those places were dark & ugly & I refused to go there. That made me feel strength in myself…& brings me to….

My sanity; my mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder some years ago. Long story short I became a worry wart that I’d end up just like her. Unable to tell the difference in reality. I was horrified at the thought of not being present. Of not being aware. I take pride in having my full capable sanity. I find myself combatting differences within my artistic side but I digress…I’m thankful for my thoughts & I know confidently that I do not share her illness.

My health; we wake every morning & forget to thank god for the simple pleasures. The ability to see & touch & taste & smell…I don’t forget. This night of worry & anxiety I reached over & touched my husbands back. I was alive. He was alive. I could here my sons breathing as he slept. I peered over the bed frame & studied his little body in the dark. He looked so peaceful. I shed a tear & tasted the salty liquid. It was happiness. I was alive & healthy to be present & experience this life I shared with the ones I loved. No illness. No physical aigelments obstructing me from the lords gifts. I was blessed.

Turning 29? Bitter? Resentful? Empty? Unsure? Hateful? Scared? Confused?Nope.

In many years before I was all of those things. But this year, this year was different. This year I was proud, sure, happy, safe, confident, content & blissful. This year I felt important. This year I feel like I matter. & not just to the loved ones around me..this year I matter to myself.
Xo, Sarah 💋

🎨💖❤ yogurtland 

I’m literally so obsessed with our little wall art we’ve been painting!(I say little but I totally had to use a stool for most of this) It’s almost complete & I couldn’t ask for more! The results of just our random artistic skills at their best. My husband & I decided a while ago that the love & fire between us is at its best when we both tap into our artistic sides & mesh them together. It has kept us thriving❤ Our ideas for this piece came entirely spur the moment & just as crazy & exciting as it looks in pictures, in person it’s that much better. We both laughed at how different our brains work while painting! he’s just recently taken on the part of my personal photographer 😂🙌🏼 like how could he keep adding to his qualities? I love this man! I can’t wait to sit back & gaze on our finished work. Thinking maybe of putting a glaze over to finish it off but not sure. Our room has so much character now & im in love with how vibrant & beautiful the colors lend a hand in keeping positive vibes in our little temple of peace & love. Yogurt land …🍭💦🌈🎨