I woke up this morning groggy. I’m pretty sure it’s the little electric heater we have plugged in that causes all this fuss with our stuffy noses & scratchy throats. I did my usual scan through of missed calls & messages. I went through my play list on Spotify. Then I opened my email for any updates on my current school enrollment. I’m always surprised when I open my email. I swear to you that I literally get hit with the most random set of messages. My overstuffed inbox holds just like most of you, thousands of useless spam & junk subscriptions, flyers, coupons etc. But in the middle of all these trashed items I get little reminders that my email is of good use. This morning, it wasn’t one of those reminders. I haven’t been blogging as much as I’d like to be lately & after deactivating all of my social media accounts, I found myself puzzled at the email titled YOUR UNCLE in big caps.
First, I have no idea anymore who viewed, followed or checked up on any of my accounts before they were taken down. I don’t have a massive following but I will say that 5k plus people is a lot to navigate through. & who really has the time for that? Plus, I’m of the manner to just post & go. Post the things I want when I want for the reasons I want & keep it moving. I’m an adult I feel with my own agenda & it’s been that way for quite some time. I don’t mean to sound like an arrogant little bitch but my life online has always caused some sort of commotion among family, that I rarely pay any attention to their comments & side disagreements. When you’ve taken care of yourself, by yourself, the best way you know how(the only way you learn how) you grow up feeling a little more entitled to your own freedom of anything & everything. My way may not have been the best way, but it kept me safe, healthy, sober & sane. I look at my life now & think, “damn, half of those family members that judge & pick apart my doings & turn their nose at my post, if I had them in my life daily, would I be a better more full of life and love individual?”
The answer is probably not. Now don’t get me wrong, I have great interest in my distant family. I’m actually so excited to be searching deeper into my heritage. With a little swab of saliva & for just $99.00 through the mail, you get an entire overview of your bloodline! This excites me since so much of my family history is clouded.
This brings me to my point; if you are connected to the people in your family through blood & heritage & generations of genes & traits, how is it a person can still feel entirely disconnected all together from those exact people? I have not had much interaction or communication with my mothers side of the family for some time. As a child, this used to bother me. I was puzzled over not knowing wether I was important in their eyes. Wether my whereabouts mattered all together. Along with my younger siblings, we managed to show up sporadically to family events. Our mother was never present, but I’m sure with having us there in her sted, it made the rest of her siblings & cousins feel comfortable. My siblings & I never felt comfort. We always felt awkward & unsure. Behind the laughter, hugging & smiles, we knew things weren’t right. Were we the pity children? The kids from that one sister or daughter. Stephanie’s kids. My step father, bless him, did his best at urging us to remain connected. Forceful at times. I think back now & I can’t believe I was forced to sit & share moments with individuals who probably had no intention of real love & genuine concern for me & my future. This leads me to believe my mother & her siblings were probably not as close as they say, or that my mother was possibly very rotten & treated her siblings with disrespect. It could also be that life takes its course & my mothers family didn’t feel it their obligation to make her memory known. Maybe discussing her would cause them pain? Nevertheless, our distant relationship (my siblings & I) with both our mother & her family is odd & somewhat bothersome.
Receiving the email I did & puzzling over its meaning made me feel irritated. Here I am living life, taking care of myself, By MYSELF & a distant family member has the nerve to question my doings in a way that seemed so intrusive. It was one simple question & yet caused so much aggravation this morning. It peirced me & brought back so many feelings, I immediately had to blog about it just to get the feelings out of me & put to rest. Now that I’ve realeased this I feel so much better. I almost want to say thank you Uncle. Thank you for being that very inappropriate person I remember growing up. If you’re reading this, just know that your email was received. I’m also amazed that you even found or follow my blog. Wether someone sent you the link or you found it yourself, I’m happy you’re taking interest in at least my writing. Sending lots of positive love & peace your way.
The things I post or DO NOT post are a reflection of me. If I choose to not post my children, what they’re doing every second of the day, what they ate that day & etc. that’s my business. The internet is not a place for children anyways in my eyes. Their identity is so precious & social media , regardless of how capable I am to take the precautions to protect them, I still feel it isn’t their choice. They don’t see what I post, therefore I’m posting their faces for the sake of what? So my distant family members can peer into my life? Why not contact me & invite me & my sons over & you can ask all the things you want to know. lol
I am who I am & I love myself. I love the woman I’m becoming & I love the beautiful people I choose to surround myself with. My heart is full & I feel I have all the love in my life I need at the moment. I do not feel unsure or worried. I’m more confident than I have ever been. And with so much love in my heart, I want to remind others that it is possible to open your emails & not cringe. If you take a moment to understand that anyone from anywhere can send hate & discouragement to you, poison as I call it, but you can choose to send love & peace back to them. You can choose to send love.
Xo, Sarah 💋